Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
