Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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