Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
