I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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