i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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