My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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