those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The air was thick with penises
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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