It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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