My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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