Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
