i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize