Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
