just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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