Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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