Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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