I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize