i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
worst night to have a conscience
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
