I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
