They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
