The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize