So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
