Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
