I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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