The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize