if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
