I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize