Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
being pregnant is like rehab
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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