Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
