Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
