Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
