and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
