I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
