I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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