the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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