Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
