i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
