i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The Olympian is in my bed
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
