our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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