I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
