So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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