Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
