god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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