need another drink. this is the easiest way
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize