just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
