i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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