Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
