Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
