glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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