Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
