I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize