So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
