Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
