If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
