She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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