i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
