just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
