Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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