my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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