What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize